It’s getting to that time (21 days!) when Mrs C and I are thinking about what to put into a bag fro her when she goes to give birth. So far we’ve come up with:
Pants.

So, after the great amount of help I received from the mumsnet.com Mums before, I thought I’d try the out again. And they were, once again, just as wonderful as ever.

Just when I thought this was going to ease our bag packing worries, Skirmish made things a little more complicated (with a completely sensible suggestion!): “Pack 2 bags - one for labour, one for afterwards, or 3 if you want to be really organised – the 3rd for just baby stuff”.

She also advises: “You need to find out what the hospital supplies - ours said we needed to bring our own towels - you should get a list from your midwife”. Getting a list could save you either humping stuff to the hospital you don’t need to take or more likely forgetting to take something you really need because you ‘just thought they’d have it’.

OK, so here’s a 3 bag list made up of the Mums’ answers:

Labour Bag

• Baggy pjs – Loose clothing is the way to go after the birth. Pjs seem a popular choice but so do baggy shorts and t-shirts. Whatever she’ll feel most comfortable in really.
• Antibac wipes – Hospitals are not as dirty as say the local sewerage plant but if the media is to be believed they come a close second. So take some wipes to clean toilet seats or anything you might touch (with you bottom or other body part)
• Flannel - in case she wants her head mopped, mat wards and delivery rooms are always boiling hot.
• Camera and video camera - For obvious reasons, but probably best not to try and get a snap during the later stages of labour.
• Lip balm - All that breathing and sucking on Gas and Air can make her lips very dry.
• Water bottle - One with sports-type top (so can drink at funny angles)
• Glucose tablets - She might not be in the mood for food but it’s important to keep her strength up for all that pushing.
• Anything that she really likes as a matter of habit - for example, if she drinks herbal tea, pack a couple of teabags.
• Take her pillow from home - It’s really lovely to have something comfy and smelling of home - and my hospital had run out of pillows during one of my labours!

Ward Bag

• Disposable pants – it can get messy down there and regular pant changes are to be expected so disposable pants seem to make great sense.
• Normal pants – Of course sometimes you change your mind or just prefer normal pants so buy a big bumber pack of normal cotton pants too.
• A magazine or book – Not for the Dad, no, no. For the Mum, just in case the baby sleeps and she doesn’t want to.
• Arnica pillules - Arnica is invaluable for healing the tender tissues down below and for CS scars.
• Doula -
• A clock that doesn’t tick, a notebook and a pen - Because the midwives will ask “What time did the baby feed/poo?” etc and I did not have the capacity to remember at all.
• Some nice-smelling luxury mini toiletries - for after birth bath/shower and a really really soft sponge!!

Baby’s Bag

• Baby clothes – Seems obvious now I’ve read it but it wouldn’t have been top of my list!
• Nappies – You would expect the hospital provides this sort of thing but it seems more common for them not to give your new born nappies so buy some!

Man Bag

Yes Dads you need a bag too so pack a few things for yourself for yourself - change of clothes, toothbrush etc. Don’t forget to take some food for yourself and Mum too because you could be in with her for a long time and she probably wont want you to ‘pop to the shops’.

We’re not done yet, though. The Mums had some extra advice to make labour go a little smoother.

Mrs Badger gave us this little gem: “Whatever you take, make sure you pack he labour bag so you know where to find stuff in it…” It just wouldn’t have occurred to me to do this. It’s Mrs C’s clothes that we’re packing after all I hadn’t thought she wouldn’t be the one to get things out!

Finally, Klaw reminds us it’s not just about disposable pants: “Just don’t forget to pack the unconditional, unwaivering support! When she asks for pain relief and says she can’t do it anymore and wants a CS, what she really wants (although she’ll argue till blue in the face at that time) is the support, to be told that she’s doing brilliantly and that she IS doing it, that it’s hard but she’s a star, that you’re so proud of her. Never, not once, show any negativity or doubt”.

A big thanks again to the mumsnet.com Mums that helped out on this:

• Marina
• Bossykate
• Cupcakesgalore
• Bettythebuilder
• Blu
• Xenia
• ScoobyC
• MrsTittleMouse
• Themildmanneredjanitor
• NBuGgeration
• Pruners
• Klaw
• Ceebee74
• MunchiesMama
• Xenia
• MrsBadger
• Skirmish
• BandofMothers

If you’ve got some more suggestions then please, leave me a comment.

This I Wish I’d Known entry has very kindly been written for me by Mark White. Apart from spending his time being a new father (his son Daniel was born in March) Mark also finds the time to run Better Business Blogging. Here’s what Mark has to say:

“One element that I was very much focused on was the Birth Plan - we’d had lots of discussions about what the Birth Plan should contain, how it should be used, what should or shouldn’t be done when. The planning process really helped focus the mind on what was likely to happen in the delivery room but other than that, it bore very little resemblance to what actually occurred on the day.

It’s like trying to write the storyboard in the calm before the storm, all well and good but theoretical at best. The trouble is that when it comes to the time, the midwife may be aware of what is expected, mother and partner are on the ball, but I can assure you that baby works to its own agenda! And it’s clear from that moment on who is in control!

As for things that I wish I had known then - well, where do I begin? I think something that has been somewhat of a surprise has been the intensity of everything in the days and weeks following the birth - it seems that everything is permanently switched to “Full On” with baby very much dictating the pattern of every part of the day, 24 hours a day. While not a problem, it has been unexpected, at least for me, that slipping away for a quiet read or 5 minutes peace is done only at the discretion of baby. Wouldn’t change it though! :)”

It’s funny that Mark has written this because only today Mrs C came back from an ante-natal appointment, where the midwife said “I can never believe how relaxed you seem about all this”. Mrs C explained that she had decided not to read any more baby books so didn’t no what to worry about and she didn’t have a birth plan at all. The mere mention of the words “birth” and “plan” made the midwife roll her eyes. It seems that a lot of people spend a lot of time on their plans which, as Mark points out above, bare little resemblance to actual events. Mrs C and I start our NCT classes on Saturday and I’m sure at some point we’ll draw up a birth plan.

Marks experience with his son dictating what goes on is something my brother-in-law has mentioned (aside from the poo’s). His words of warning were very similar to Marks: “Forget about reading the Sunday paper.”

I’d like to say thank you very much to Mark for his time helping me on my little project, it’s much appreciated.

I’ve decided that to help move my I Wish I’d Known series along a little bit, I’d ask for some advice and tips from the users at Mumsnet.com forums.

And boy, did they ever give some advice. I was really overwhelmed by the number of responses. I’d like to say a big thank you to all the mums and mums-to-be in the Pregnancy chat room for their input.

Just before I move on I must admit that I’m a little uncertain as to some of the lingo used in the forum. It’s kind of a mums’ text speak. For example, when referring to their partners they use the abbreviate ‘DH’. Now, I’m hoping this is short for (a possibly ironic) ‘darling husband’ but I fear, dear reader, that sometime it may be used in anger as ‘dick head’… but I can’t be sure (maybe someone from Mumsnet can explain) .

Anyway, without further ado, when I asked for advice for Expectant Fathers here’s what they had to say:

Make Life a Little Easier

NineUnlikelyTales puts it simply:

“Learn how to cook.
Learn how to clean.
Learn how to comfort an irrational woman without saying a word wrong.
Practise putting baby grows on a doll.”

Now 3 of those things sound pretty straight forward to me. I’m alright in the kitchen (no, honest I am). When I get the motivation I can clean like the Tasmanian Devil and practising putting baby grows on a doll (ah, the childhood memories!) is just a trip to Toys R Us away.

It’s the “without saying a word wrong” that worries me. This is the challenge that faces the average married man at the best of times. During pregnancy, I’m not sure that it’s possible. I think that I’m going to “lower the bar” on that one and aim for “saying as few wrong words as possible” and if I can keep it in the hundreds region I think I will be doing better than most.

Cooking and cleaning came up quite a few times in the replies. Meowmix says:

“NOW is the time to really understand the housework and what counts as done ‘properly’”

MissGolightly goes a little further with the housework:

“It is impossible for the father-to-be to do too much housework/cooking.”

This all pretty much comes under the banner of “making life easier” for your pregnant partner and I think the mums will agree that it’s appreciated.

Being an Expectant Dad isn’t Really that Hard

When reading that advice, I expect most men will, in the back of the minds, be thinking “I’ve got a life too during this pregnancy”. And you do, but Snaf warns us:

“When [your partner's] actually in labour, and she’s screaming that it f&^*%$()g HURTS!!!, don’t ever, ever mention that your arm is cramping up because you’ve been rubbing her back for the last three hours.”

After all, expectant Dads that whatever else is going on in your own lives, your partner carrying your child is surely much more important than any of it? And maybe sometimes we think we’re suffering, but it simply doesn’t compare to what your partner’s going through. They need support and understanding, not more complaining (they’ve already got a baby doing that inside them).

There is good news for us though, Dads. Beansprout tells us of a very positive attitude her ‘dh’ (I think this time it’s ‘dearest husband’ but, I confess, I’ve no idea what ‘ds’ is…):

“Dh’s motto was that I looked after ds (he couldn’t before after all!) and that he looked after me. He was utterly involved with ds but it was so fantastic to not have to worry about all the other stuff and to just be able to focus on ds in the early days. ”

A relaxed mother who doesn’t have to worry about the washing and the cooking or cleaning is a happy one, and that sounds pretty good to me.

A Little Goes a Long Way

It seems that the little things can make a big difference too. Bristols writes:

“My DH painted my toe nails for me when I was too big to do it myself. Will be ever grateful for that.”

Babylovesmuffins says:

“When she asks if her bum looks huge, tell her she looks beautiful and she’s imagining things.”

While just about everyone who replied agreed that saying “I love you” on a regular basis makes a massive difference.

We Need to Talk

A more general point I got from reading a lot of the replies was that if we dh’s and our partners communicate with each other better, then the whole pregnancy experience can be better (sorry, if I’ve made pregnancy sound like a theme park ride there by using the word ‘experience’, I didn’t mean to). BurstingBug says:

“During the contractions midwives usually say to the mum, ‘lean into your partner for support’, ‘partner rub mums back’. Please do not be offended if mum says get away/get off me.
I personally couldn’t bear to be touched whilst having a contraction.”

This falls under the listen to what your partner wants at that very moment, not what she wanted during ante-natal classes or even 30 seconds before. When the babies coming, her word is rule.

Who Are You Calling Moody?

Finally, Squonk wraps it up nicely with some pretty clear advice for all fathers-to-be:

“Never, ever, under any circumstances, mention the word ‘hormones’!”.

Thanks Again

Just another thanks to those who replied, and a sorry if I missed out your advice I promise that I read it and took it in, honest.

Oh, and don’t forget to vote for me by clicking the button below. You never know it might help a lot of other Expectant Fathers too:

I’m starting to think that it’s time to get myself just a little more prepared for the big day when it finally comes. So this is the first in what I hope will be a regular series on The Expectant Father called I Wish I’d Known.

I’ve asked a few bloggers from around the Web to play the role of Parental Advisor and send me 2 things: a memory of the weeks leading up to the birth of their child and the one thing they wished they’d known before the birth that they know now.

I’m pleased to say that the first two Parental Advisors are Graham Jones, the Internet Psychologist, and Liz Strauss, the Successful Blogger.

Graham Jones

Graham is a guru of all things internet and offers particularly sage advice about online marketing. Graham has a seven year old son, Elliot:

“When my wife was pregnant with Elliot, I had a meeting with my accountant. He told me that if we had any major projects we wanted to spend money on, now was the time to do it. After your baby arrives, he told me, you won’t have the cash. So we extended our house, had a new kitchen and got some decorating done. How right my accountant was; babies cost you much more than you ever imagined….and as for seven year old boys….well…..!!!

But the one thing I wished I had known before Elliot came along - how emotionally uplifting fatherhood can be. I’ve always been a relatively positive chap, but Elliot just makes me even more positive and bright. I had to wait a long time to be a father and I just wish it had been possible earlier because I would have had even more years of brilliantly positive life.”

Mrs C and I obviously think in the same way as Graham and his accountant as we decided we’d better get some decorating done while we still had the cash!

I just hope that in the few weeks after the birth and what with all the sleep deprivation I’m bracing myself for that I can appreciate how uplifting fatherhood can be.

Liz Strauss

Liz is the blogosphere’s unofficial “Queen of Blogging”. If there’s something you need to know about how to improve your blog drop over to Liz’s Successful Blogger site and you’re guaranteed to find the answer. Transferring her skills from blogging to parenting, here’s Liz’s advice:

“Being a parent means growing up all over again, only this time you’re on both sides of the story. You can still remember what it’s like to be the kid in the conversation, but now you know what it’s like to be the parent . . . and not have the answers. My child is so like me . . . is he pull a fast one or is he sincerely confused? How can I tell? I don’t know.

I have often told friends that children are here to humble their parents, because they teach us about our parents.

The best advice I can give is answer always with unconditional love and generosity. The child will be loved and unconditional love never spoiled anything.”

Liz’s words really connected with me as soon as I read them. I’ve already confessed to not feeling grown up and I do worry how well I’ll cope. I’m hoping from what Liz is saying, I’ll grow into the role of parent.

What’s more, I’ve been thinking about how my Dad must have felt as a parent more and more. It never entered my head when I was a kid that my parents had feelings or even that they were people, so maybe it’s time to find out how they coped with the terror that I was.

Thanks Graham and Liz

I’d like to say a very big thank you to both Graham and Liz for finding time in their schedules to share their experience with me.

If you’d like to appear in a future I Wish I’d Known post then please either leave me a comment or drop me an e-mail to ian(at)7879designs(dot)com (I know it’s a highly sophisticate code that I’m using to protect my e-mail address from spammers but I hope you can crack it ;))